Archive | January, 2017

#LISSEN. AVOID A SHIT CREEK SITUATION.

29 Jan

big coo HELPING PEOPLE TO AVOID THE SHIT CREEKS IN LIFE

‘I managed to locate the five barred gate to the correct field in the dark. Ian and I climbed over to attempt to select a suitable turnip. I decided we should take a couple of turnips in case one was not suitable and we soon uprooted a couple which seemed to fit the bill.

We straightened up holding the turnips and both of us gave a loud yell of sheer terror. A horrible head with huge horns suddenly appeared over the stone wall bordering one side of the field and was silhouetted against the rising moon. It must be the horned god come to claim and punish us for our bad deed, it almost prompted a panicky evacuation of the bowels. We were spared the horrors of trying to explain the sudden outbreak of soiled short trousers to Mummy when the curious cow looking over the stone wall made a re-assuring mooing noise.

Too late, we realised the silhouette with wicked horns we had seen by the light of the October moon was only a cow and not the Devil come to claim us.

The panic induced fear had us by the horns. We were soon over that gate and running down the road in the inky darkness the direction of home, panic stricken but luckily our small fists were still clutching our turnip loot as we rapidly headed blindly for home, safety and Mummy’.

MOTTO. Buy your own turnips for Halloween and leave the poor old farmer alone. Other helpful advice can be gleaned at the links below;

Andy Wishart. Made in Scotland.

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

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#LISSEN. How to avoid earning a slap on the head.

3 Jan

monster6DANGER. MONSTER LURKING IN LIFE’S SHIT CREEK.

 

HOW TO AVOID EARNING A SLAP ON THE HEAD.

WEE ANDY’S BIG FIRE.

 

I guess I was around three years old about the time when, just like our ancestors, we discovered fire. Yes, I realise all of our houses were heated by open coal fires. We were all familiar with coal fires but these could be hot and dangerous things only tended by mothers and strictly out of bounds to wee boys.

Although, I clearly remember having an urgent need to pee when I was standing beside our open fire in the front room late one winter afternoon when the nights were drawing in. The bathroom was down the lobby, the light switch for the lobby was beside the front door and it seemed quite a long dark and rather scary distance away from the safe living room.

Necessity is the mother of invention as they say. I had the bright idea which would enable me to stay put in the safety of the warm and well lit living room. Why not just pee into the fire, surely the pee-pee would just disappear? Mum was busy in the kitchen and nobody would know. What a great idea.

No sooner said than done but I was not expecting the great whoosh of steam and the loud hissing noise which shot from the burning coals in the open fire. That was not the only thing that shot into our living room. My mother burst in from the kitchen, alarmed at the noise and steam to find me, terrified but unable to stop peeing into the fire till the wee-wee  had all stopped.

However, I was surprised to discover that I could stop immediately when Mum slapped me round the back of my head – that soon brought it to an abrupt, if damp, end.

MOTTO. Avoid yet another Shit Creek situation. Do not pee into an open coal fire.

For farther details from Andy’s life adventures, please check out this link;

Andy Wishart.  (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

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