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#LISSEN. Further mis-adventures of Wee Andy McNab in the Wild West.

16 Sep

Yet another SHIT CREEK creature approaching yet another SHIT CREEK situation.

Continued from previous post;

There was, however, one exception. A dark haired young man had entered the bar just as Bonnie started to make an exhibition of herself.  The new arrival could hardly miss her for she now dominated the empty area which she had managed to clear on the dance floor. The dark haired guy headed straight for Bonnie who was still standing with inelegant splayed feet waiting for some response from Hangin’ Dan, or indeed, from anybody.

I suddenly recognised the newcomer as Poke Mahoney, a young Irishman I had recently met briefly. Poke’s rumpled city type suit and black shiny leather shoes rather stood out among the blue denim jeans and cowboy boots favoured by most of the other male customers. Even as he started to move towards Bonnie, I could see, having had experience of such happenings, that Poke had already been partaking of alcoholic beverages elsewhere before hitting The Frontier Daze Pub. He strutted confidently but unsteadily across the dance floor towards Bonnie. He was straying slightly sideways owing to his earlier intake of alcohol and was now also waggling his elbows in a parody of Chicken Likin and yelling, “Cock a doodle doo”, to nobody in particular.

Not for the first time in my life, I wondered at my ability to attract weirdos to my person rather like horse shit attracts flies. Poke was no exception. He was a young and rather wild looking Irishman who apparently earned a living as an electrician. This was enough to support his liking for alcohol which he managed to consume in prodigious quantities. We had met a couple of times in this Irish Pub but he always seemed to have already been drinking elsewhere before heading to hang out at The Frontier Daze Bar where he was a popular visitor, always successfully playing the part of the daft and wild, hard drinking Irishman.

The band had just finished their brief introductory number as Poke was marching across the floor. Luckily, Dick Frost the band leader had clocked Poke from his higher elevation on the band stand and quickly assessed the situation. Sometimes a difficult situation could be covered up when the band caused a diversion by playing another tune. With the benefit of years of entertaining experience, Dick could read an audience expertly. He counted the band in again with a quick, ‘Two – three – four’ and they immediately kicked off with a swinging Western version of, ‘If You’ve Got The Money Honey, I’ve Got The Time’.

However, I was now grateful for the band playing as a diversion; I could see a really difficult situation possibly developing. Poke Mahoney and Bonnie were about to meet and Poke, unpredictable at the best of times, was already three sheets to the wind. Nature intervened when Poke remembered, in mid stride, why he had approached the bar in the first place; a wee alcoholic beverage came to mind. This happy thought deflected Poke from a headlong collision with the unbonny Bonnie when his natural bent for ordering ‘a wee refreshment’ took control of his slightly fuzzy brain and he veered off to the right, heading for a space at the bar where he could arrange his priorities in the correct sequence to order a beer from the Tim the bartender.

Bonnie was also used to making quick decisions to take control of any situation, honed from her years of experience as a truck driver. Before Poke had a chance to order a drink, she called over Poke’s bobbing head to Timothy O’Malley the bartender, requesting him to pour her another pitcher of beer and give her a fresh glass for the new guest; the unsteady Irishman was welcome to join her set. Bonnie’s shouted invite reminded Poke of his intent to confront the lady who had been shouting the loudest. Ever mindful of priorities, Poke grabbed the fresh glass from the bar and gratefully turned to introduce himself to this new benefactor and dispenser of free beers, the rather strangely named Bonnie.

ENTER EDEN THE TERRIBLE! (To be continued).

You can read more of Wee Andy’s daft adventures by checking out .. .

Andy Wishart.  (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

 

 

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#LISSEN. THE ABBOTS BROMLEY HORN DANCE.

15 Sep

ABBOTS BROMLEY HORN DANCE.

It is September and time for the annual Horn Dance in the Staffordshire village of Abbots Bromley. I live only a few miles from Abbots Bromley and often drive over there for the historic Horn Dance festivities. The village is easy to find but the date of the festival can be difficult to establish. It is given as the first Monday following the first Sunday after September 4th – this year puts it as September 11th. Perhaps the natives are just trying to discourage visitors who flood into the village every year. This is a very ancient dance with six men carrying reindeer antlers which are usually kept in the local church for safety. Reindeer are no longer native to the British Isles and one set has been carbon dated to the 11th century. The six dancers are accompanied by a small boy carrying a bow and arrow, a Hobby Horse, a Fool and a Maid Marion plus a bunch of hardy musicians. The dancers start at 8 a.m. outside the church and also display at various point in the village (usually beside a pub) and always include a visit the wide lawn at Blithfield Hall before finishing at yet another pub at 8 p.m.  Following another ancient custom, the musicians and dancers head directly into the pub for much needed refreshment.

Pic was shot this week by my son Marc. I intend to pin it onto my Mother Earth board in Pinterest. You can read about my other daft interests by following the links below;

 

Andy Wishart. (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

Farther adventures of Wee Andy in the Wild West.

9 Sep

HERE BE MONSTERS    Another brush with a SHIT CREEK situation.

Just then the regular band, a great combo of country style musicians led by Dick Frost, (Yes. Dick Frost! His name is actually Richard Frost but he always presents himself as ‘Dick’ which soon took care of any smart assed references from amateur comedians in the audience) kicked off to start the Saturday evening entertainment. Bonnie, who was full of surprises tonight, gave a loud ‘Yeee Ha!’ whoop and tried to haul Hangin’ Dan onto the dance floor. Bad move, Hangin’ Dan was beginning to look as if perhaps he had at last found somebody to hang. It was one thing to dress for the part of a Western dude to sit at the bar wearing a big hat and appearing to look cool with a Coors beer and Marlboro cigarette. It was quite another to have the carefully arranged ‘cool’ look ruined by a weird looking woman yelling in your ear while trying to lead you onto the dance floor.

Dan backed off like a frightened horse, only to be embarrassed even farther by Bonnie when she broke away from him to stand defiantly, her feet splaying firmly onto the dance floor before placing her hands on hips to accuse him in a loud voice of being, ‘Chicken’. She then continued to aggravate the bad situation by looking around at the other guys in the bar and shouting in a loud voice to enquire whether all the guys there were also, ‘Chicken’. Her shouted request prompted most of the single guys at the bar to turn away in embarrassment to look the other way pretending not to have heard her. Check out the links below for more details;

Andy Wishart. (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

LISSEN. FURTHER ADVENTURES OF WEE ANDY IN THE WILD WEST.

29 Aug

Once again, Wee Andy must take avoiding action to escape from a rather messy Shit Creek situation.

 

 

 

HERE BE MONSTERS.

 

Dang me, dang me.

They oughta take a rope and hang me.

Hang me from the highest tree . . .

Forther adventures with Eden the Terrible continued;

She appealed directly to me to get her a drink and also made a strange request to check if the bartender had any bolt cutters behind the bar. I quickly dealt with the first part of her request. Another fresh glass was supplied by Tim who was obviously enjoying watching my discomfort and the swelling gathering of very odd friends while I poured a beer for the strangely dressed but good looking lady from the rapidly diminishing beer in the pitcher before ordering yet another. It looked as if Tim O’Malley could look forward to having a long and entertaining evening ahead tending bar. To be continued . . . .

 

You can read more of Wee Andy’s daft adventures by checking out .. .

Andy Wishart.  (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

Rather odd happening.

21 Aug

My desk is beside the window overlooking Anglesey Road in sunny Burton upon Trent, England. I sat down at my desk early on Sunday morning. Everything was peaceful and quiet with no traffic noise to ignore while I, as usual, prepared to pretend to be a writer. It keeps me off the streets and I am harming nobody. Suddenly, I saw a large teddy bear standing across the street, just scratching his bum, as I imagine all bears do. The bear had a large white piece of paper taped across his chest bearing (get it?) the message; ‘BUY FRESH STEAKS HERE’ followed by a shop address. How odd, why would a large bear advertise fresh meat for sale in a street where there was not another soul in sight and absolutely no traffic at all?

The bear suddenly unsrewed his head to reveal another head with a distinctly West Indian appearance. This was becoming curiouser and curiouser as Alice said. The bear then tucked his head under his arm, looked around to check if anybody was watching, then marched smartly out of site behind a low brick built building owned by the electricity company. I imagine the bear needed to pee as all bears do. Just then a huge yellow duck wandered into view and also removed it’s head revealing another distinctly European type of head. I assumed it was looking for the bear. Then the duck decided it also needed to pee and waddled off behind the brick building as well.

What a strange and wonderful happening and I was the only witness. I could hardly wait to tell my friends, if I had some, or at least post something on Twitter. This would easily compete with  news about the eclipse of the sun.

#LISSEN. Further mis-adventures of Wee Andy McNab in the Wild West.

6 Aug

Wee Andy is approaching yet another Shit Creek situation where. ‘Here be Monsters’.

Now read on.

My quiet contemplation was rudely disturbed by the sudden appearance of yet another new arrival that evening. A strange looking but attractive and apparently willing young lady suddenly elbowed her way to the bar. She pushed right between Bonnie and me.  “Hi y’all” she beamed at me. “Ma name’s Eden” she said in an almost, but not quite, Southern accent. “Is she your main squeeze?” she indicated with a jab of her head towards Bonnie.

I almost swallowed my beer down the wrong way. Before me stood a young, attractive woman who seemed to be attracted to me. She had suddenly appeared, without the aid of much, or even any, makeup. She wore a strange green outfit of a heavy cotton shirt and long baggy pants which could either be taken for an odd fashion statement or possibly a woman’s uniform from an open prison. There actually was just such an establishment located nearby. Another puzzling habit seemed to be the way she was continuously tugging at a rather odd looking thick red plastic bracelet on her wrist which, perhaps, should have given me a clue concerning the strangely dressed attractive looking woman’s recent location.

Follow my regular posts for further details of Wee Andy’s Western adventures.

 

 

 

#LISSEN. EDINBURGH FESTIVAL- AVOID SHIT CREEK.

24 Jul

Never mind the driving rain. True art appreciation laughs at rain during the Edinburgh Festival. In spite of all the fun and games, it is still possible to wander innocently up yet another Shit Creek. My old friend Dave and I were strolling about the Fringe area when I noticed a guy standing very still above us pretending to be a statue displayed on a plinth. His make up and clothes were very convincing and statue like and I pointed him out to Dave wondering aloud if he was advertising one of the shows in the Fringe. The ‘statue’ shuffled uncomfortably on his plinth till he could face us directly. “Sod the festival. It costs money to get made up like this. It’s not a free show just for you guys. Put money in the bowl”. Well, the penny dropped, but not into the bowl, if you get my meaning. He was just a beggar bumming money from the visitors and had no connection to the actual Festival but was using the free show for only his begging activities. We moved away rapidly from the beggar who brought a bad taste to my mouth. We had to take refuge and also alcoholic refreshment at the nearby Wee Windaes Resturant and Bar in Edinburgh Old Town. Well – honestly!

You will find some of my wee, wry stories from nearby wartime Penicuik, Scotland in ‘My Early Daze’ by Andrew Wishart. This book has been selected for broadcasting by Crystal Radio covering the Midlothian area of Scotland. Also soon to be available in audio book version narrated by ME!

Andy Wishart. (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

#LISSEN. This would bring tears to a glass eye.

8 Jul

This pic would bring tears to a glass eye. Here we see Wee Andy saying goodbye to his young lady-friend at the Frontier Daze Pub in the Wild West of Colorado, USA. He had been searching for gold at Shit Britches Creek which he believed was located in Colorado State until he had run out of money and was now broke. It seems he had been given a bum steer location for the fabled Shit Britches Creek which is actually situated in California. Andy is telling the young lady that he is broke and has left his bar bill on her tab. He must now say farewell and will have to return to Scotland to his wife and ten kids.

The moral of this story is that Andy should have paid attention to my regular advice posts concerning avoiding all kind of Shit Creek situations. Geez. How often do I have to send out sensible advice ? You can read more stories about disasters I have survived by avoiding strange wimmen with names like Poison Ivy and Eden the Terrible. Just follow the links;

Andy Wishart.  (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

#LISSEN. More tips to avoid trouble in Shit Creek.

6 Jun

#LISSEN. If you are wandering along one of Scotland’s Shit Creeks and, of course, minding your own business while mentally composing a nice and romantic wee piece of poetry but are rudely interrupted by a bunch of thieving Arabs, then please take this advice. Quietly but quickly remove wallet from your back pocket and hand it to one of the thieving bastards. They will soon be quarreling among themselves while trying to count the money. They look like a bunch of posers anyway and will hardly notice if you slip away quietly to contact your mates who are just out of sight round the bend in the creek. You and your buddies will soon knock seven kinds of shit outa this bunch of phonies and you will soon have your money returned plus any monies of their own. There you go – another Shit Creek situation avoided and a happy and prosperous ending just for you.

You can learn more tips for avoiding life’s Shit Creek situations by following the link for more info;

Andy Wishart.     (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

#LISSEN. GUARANTEED REMEDY TO AVOID SHIT CREEK!

20 May

MY GOOD FRIEND PADDY EMPLOYS A SURE FAST WAY TO AVOID PADDLING UP ANY OF LIFE’S SHIT CREEKS. PADDY’S ADVICE IS TO STOP WHATEVER DAFT NONSENSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO WANDER INTO, DROP EVERYTHING, PUT ON A SILLY SCOTTISH HAT AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA INSTEAD. MY FRIEND PADDY IS IRISH AND CAN TELL YOU ALL ABOUT AVOIDING SHIT CREEK. HE HAS HAD MUCH EXPERIENCE AVOIDING THINGS IN HIS INTERESTING LIFE. A GOOD CUP OF TEA SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

Life’s Shit Creeks and other tales can be found by following this link while drinking tea. You might thank me one day;

Andy Wishart.  (MADE IN SCOTLAND).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

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