#LISSEN. How to avoid earning a slap on the head.

3 Jan

monster6DANGER. MONSTER LURKING IN LIFE’S SHIT CREEK.

 

HOW TO AVOID EARNING A SLAP ON THE HEAD.

WEE ANDY’S BIG FIRE.

 

I guess I was around three years old about the time when, just like our ancestors, we discovered fire. Yes, I realise all of our houses were heated by open coal fires. We were all familiar with coal fires but these could be hot and dangerous things only tended by mothers and strictly out of bounds to wee boys.

Although, I clearly remember having an urgent need to pee when I was standing beside our open fire in the front room late one winter afternoon when the nights were drawing in. The bathroom was down the lobby, the light switch for the lobby was beside the front door and it seemed quite a long dark and rather scary distance away from the safe living room.

Necessity is the mother of invention as they say. I had the bright idea which would enable me to stay put in the safety of the warm and well lit living room. Why not just pee into the fire, surely the pee-pee would just disappear? Mum was busy in the kitchen and nobody would know. What a great idea.

No sooner said than done but I was not expecting the great whoosh of steam and the loud hissing noise which shot from the burning coals in the open fire. That was not the only thing that shot into our living room. My mother burst in from the kitchen, alarmed at the noise and steam to find me, terrified but unable to stop peeing into the fire till the wee-wee  had all stopped.

However, I was surprised to discover that I could stop immediately when Mum slapped me round the back of my head – that soon brought it to an abrupt, if damp, end.

MOTTO. Avoid yet another Shit Creek situation. Do not pee into an open coal fire.

For farther details from Andy’s life adventures, please check out this link;

Andy Wishart.  (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

#LISSEN. Beware Monsters.

7 Dec

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Beware Lurking Monsters if you accidentally blunder up one of life’s Shit Creeks.

The following is an extract from my book, My Early Daze by Andrew Wishart. This is a wry memoir book describing my growing up years during the 1940’s in wartime Scotland food rationing when there were no sweets or candies available. We had seen pictures of exotic foreign fruits like bananas and pineapples, but that was as close as we could get. There was a war on.

‘There was a disaster one afternoon when, owing to time lost on our shopping expedition hoping to locate some apples rumoured to be for sale at the local greengrocers. We arrived back at the movie theatre or, The Picture Hoose, as we called it, when most of the other kids had already been admitted to the Saturday matinee. We had to sit in the only unfilled seats immediately behind the front row of ‘one penny scratchers’ where the dreaded Murphy brothers were always seated.

The house lights were already dimmed when the usher Frank Foley barked at us to hurry up, indicating with his bright flashlight the only available seats still vacant. The four of us tumbled gratefully into the seats located very close to the big screen and prepared to watch the already running Gaumont British Newsreel which was not exactly filled with patriotic news of British military victories at this stage of World War 2. in 1943.

We rubbed our apples on our sleeves to cleanse them of any possible germs then sank our young teeth gratefully into the fruit which resulted in a bright crunching noise. In front of us, in the dark, four closely and badly cropped heads swiveled round, in unison we heard,”Giez yer runt!”

It was the dreaded four Murphy brothers. Their mother always cut their hair, even in the dark their skulls stood out in menacing silhouette against the big film screen. Our pleasure of eating the apples was immediately postponed. The Murphy’s were requesting that we should hand over our apple cores when we had finished eating. God help us if we handed over any apple without leaving a generous amount of fruit still on the apple.

We had never actually seen the Murphy’s beating anybody up but their reputation was enough for us. The four of us each took a small perfunctory bite from our apples before handing them over virtually untouched to the ruffians in the row in front.

I guess we were looking at our almost untouched apples as a kind of insurance payment against any violence in the future. We did a wee bit of rebellious muttering about Frank Foley who had ushered us into this scary seat situation in the first place but we knew when we were beat’.

The moral of this wee story is Be Prepared. Of course we could have avoided blundering up yet another one of life’s Shit Creek accidents if we had the foresight to eat our precious apples before we reached The Picture Hoose and would not have had our unfortunate brush with the dreaded Murphy brothers. Perhaps the loss of our precious and scarce apples would teach us a lesson but we were only six years old at that time.

More details of my books and video can be seen at the links below;

Andy Wishart. (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

 

#LISSEN. How to avoid Shit Creek and earn free beers.

27 Nov

monster3 Here be Shit Creek Monster. (Fortean Times).

FREE BEERS.

I was wandering down Memory Lane today when I remembered my Grandfather Harry Mitchell. Harry had a knack for avoiding life’s Shit Creek Monster situations and emerging as a winner from many sticky happenings. Here is a wee story about Harry.

There was knock at Harry’s door one night. It was a neighbour who informed Harry that old Frank who lived alone nearby had been found dead, could Harry please come over because there was a bit of a problem with the dead body. Harry went to see how he could help and it was explained that the problem was with the shape of the body. Rigor mortise had set in and the body was firmly established with legs drawn up during sleep in a fetal position with knees now frozen and locked into place.

Nobody could straighten the legs now and how was Frank to be made to fit into a casket? His knees would stretch further than the width of a coffin if he was laid sideways and the lid would not fit if they placed him in the box lying on his back.

Harry quickly solved the problem. Old Frank’s body was still lying flat out on the bed, but with the offending knees pointing upwards to the ceiling. Quick as a flash, Harry jumped onto the bed beside the body and sat down, right onto the frozen knees. There was a loud crack, Harry tumbled onto the bed but the wrongly positioned and awkward legs had now been straightened, the coffin lid would fit in a respectable fashion and conform to the usual position for burial.

Problem solved and Harry was wheeched away to the pub round the corner where he was plied with many beers and the grateful thanks from old Frank’s relatives.

You will find other daft stories about Grandfather Harry and more wee wry Scottish tales by following the links below;

Andy Wishart.

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

 

LISSEN. Here be monsters!

16 Nov

Here be monsters !

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The weather forecaster said there was a cold front coming. The news interrupted my thoughts of all the Shit Creek monster situations I had encountered during my life. I seem to have had more than my fair share of  these tough situations and my thoughts turned to memories of warmer times. For some daft reason (how else?), I remembered my encounter with ‘Jungle Feet’ all these years ago in the Far East, a place where it was always sunny and warm.

Here is an excerpt  from My Army Daze where I recalled my magical meeting with ‘Jungle Feet’.

‘Still beaming, he let go my toe and, with a great flourish, opened the doctors bag, I fix jungle feet, he repeated confidently, showing me a tin of some unidentified sticky paste which he quickly smeared on my affected toe. I started to object but he dismissed my muttered complaint with a quick professional motion of his hand while the other hand delved again into the magic bag, produced a roll of cotton wool from which he tore a small piece and stuck the cotton to the sticky stuff on my toe.

Somehow The Great McBain and his conjuring tricks came to mind as I stared at the decorations on my foot. What happens now I said, I suppose you set fire to it.?

I was so busy looking at my foot and failed to notice he was still in action over the bag, quick as a flash he had produced a box of matches, lit one and rapidly applied it to my toe where a huge sheet of flame shot towards the ceiling. I also shot up, cursing at Jungle Feet who was standing back, still beaming, the spent match in his fingers, well pleased with himself.

It is difficult to look aggressive and threatening from the horizontal position, with a smoking foot, when clad only in a green army towel. To be perfectly honest, I was not actually feeling any pain either, only my cool had been disturbed but Jungle Feet was standing at the foot of my bed, still beaming, confidentally expecting some reward for his professional services. To be fair, when I inspected my toe there was no trace of the little round corn which had been there a few minutes ago, to tell the truth I never did see it again, neither then or ever since.

Just like The Great McBain, Jungle Feet appeared to be a great magician, as usual, I could not explain how it was done, this was the mysterious east so I could only conclude it must be magic. I fumbled in my pants pocket draped over my locker, gave him the two Straits dollars he requested, still beaming he wandered out of my life and away down the stairs to become another strange, but memorable, little episode in my Army Daze memories.’

You can read about ‘Jungle Feet’ and other army stories in My Army Daze by Andrew Wishart. Just follow the link below for details of other tales of My Early Daze and My Rock ‘n Roll Daze;

Andy Wishart.  (Made in Scotland).

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

#LISSEN. Oor airieplane.

30 Oct

airieplane

Here is a painting of ‘Oor airieplane’ by Ken Rowland. I had discovered this old abandoned aircraft hidden on waste land when I was a wee boy growing up in wartime Scotland. This pic kicks off the wry memoirs of My Early Daze by Andrew Wishart. An e-book on Amazon Kindle. This is the book which I am presently recording for a commercial radio station in my native Scotland. My amateur recording effort is frequently beset by my sailing up unexpected Shit Creeks.  Luckily, there is a happy ending in sight. My hero, Billy the Pik, has come to my rescue. Apart from being a first class guitar player, Bill is awfully clever and solves my many techie blunders when I stray into life’s Shit Creek situations.

The end is nigh. Check out these links for more info;

Andy Wishart.

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. YouTube link ;

about.me/andy_wishart                (Made in Scotland).

# LISSEN. MONSTERS!

12 Oct

scan0151HERE BE MONSTERS!

Here we see yet another Shit Creek monster lying in wait to pounce on the unwary traveler. Luckily, Wee Andy with the help of his trusty friend, Billy the Pik, has once again avoided contact with the waiting monster. Billy is aware that Wee Andy is technically challenged and arrived in time to help him avoid the time wasting ‘techie monster’. Billy the Pik muttered some strange incantations while moving his agile hands in a mysterious fashion. Then, LO. A total of 11 chapters of Wee Andy’s attempt at making an audio version of his book, My Early Daze, appeared as if by magic. Andy was so overcome with this magic show that he quickly escorted Billy to the nearby pub where he generously ordered a few pints of beer to celebrate. Details of farther progress for that day have not been received.

You can check to present state of affairs at the following links;

Andy Wishart.

@andycelt1

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. Youtube link ;

#LISSEN. MONSTERS !!

1 Oct

andyraft

Just picture the situation. Here you are. Quietly paddling along and quite happy with your progress in life when you mistakenly take a wrong turn and enter yet another one of life’s Shit Creeks. ‘HERE BE MONSTERS’ !!!  Did you not see the warning sign on the map??

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Never fear – Andy’s here. Just follow the advice I gave to anyone careless enough to blunder accidentally into a patch of stinging nettles while roaming merrily through the Scottish countryside. “RUN AWAY”. This sound advice plus many other tales of my early life growing up in wartime Scotland can be found in my book, My Early Daze by Andrew Wishart.

An audio version of My Early Daze by Andrew Wishart will soon be broadcast on Crystal Radio in my home town,  Penicuik, Scotland. I have narrated this all by myself (with more than a little techie help from Billy the Pik, my guitar playing friend Bill Smith). This is my first attempt at recording my wee tales so you will get me, warts and all.

Links to this book plus details of farther daft adventures trying to avoid life’s Shit Creeks as I trace my progress in, ‘My Army Daze’ and ‘My Rock ‘n Roll Daze’, can be found below;

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. Youtube link ;

U.K. andywishartsite.com
Andy Wishart. (Made in Scotland).

 

 

#LISSEN. THERE’S MORE.

23 Sep

scan0149

#LISSEN. THERE’S MORE.

Looks like another Shit Creek ahead. This time with an Eastern flavour. It’s obviously an old pic. Could it be to remind me of My Army Daze in the Far East when wee Private Tommy Flanagan fell unexpectedly drunk one Hogmanay  and tumbled into a deep monsoon drain. The drain was so deep and wee Tommy was so drunk that he could not climb out again. We were all far from sober and unable to offer much help.It might as well have been another Shit Creek.

However. My personal Shit Creek has been avoided this week. Billy the Pik rode over the hill in shining armour and employed his techie skills to pull me from the mud and managed to format eight of my chapter recordings for my amateur audio attempts at making an audio book for My Early Daze. I promised to create and send an audio reading to Crystal Radio in Penicuik, Scotland to be aired on their regular book club feature. Only another eighteen chapters to format. Nae bother.

Andy Wishart (Made in Scotland).

Wee Charlie

Wee Tommy, taken suddenly drunk, tumbles into monsoon drain.

 

Series of interesting wry Daze memoirs from Scotland. Youtube link ;

U.K. andywishartsite.com

#LISSEN. Avoid Shit Creek – win a prize.

4 Sep

AVOID SHIT CREEK AND WIN A PRIZE.

andybridge1 I TOLD you avoiding Shit Creek could be rewarding. Here is pic of young Andy with a prize awarded for successfully by-passing a treacherous creek in the Scottish Highlands. Andy is clutching a prize can of Tennents Super Lager. He sure looks happy.

More good news. Billy the Pik, ace guitar player, will be coming round this week to start the ‘techie stuff’ required for stitching all my little audio files together. Could this signal the completion of the audio version of my wee book, My Early Daze by Andrew Wishart (Mummy used to call me Andrew – nobody else ever did. Oh, I forgot. One cute girl always called me Andrew but that is another story for later). The audio version of the book is for a reading at Crystal Radio up in Scotland. Perhaps this will be my chance to shine.

Check out links;

Youtube link ;

#LISSEN. MORE TIPS TO AVOID SHIT CREEK.

27 Aug

andybridge2 NO MORE TUMBLING INTO SHIT CREEK.

This tip is a winner. You can build a wire bridge across Shit Creek (see illustration of wee Andy actually crossing a wire bridge).

The astute reader will have realised that you will have to paddle across Shit Creek in the first place to build a strong anchor on the opposite side for the wire bridge. I did not claim that this solution would be easy. Avoiding being stuck up Shit Creek in life looks so easy sometimes and you can be ‘right in it’ before you know it. There is never a handy signpost pointing, ‘NO ENTRY’ to Shit Creek.

I have more or less finished my recorded version of ‘My Early Daze’ by Andrew Wishart. I hope my sloppy attitude to organising the recorded files for my audio book version is not leading me relentlessly towards Shit Creek again. I will have to ask Billy the Pik for help with stitching the audio files together in a businesslike fashion before sending the audio version to Crystal Radio in Scotland where they intend to include my readings in their book programme. BtP is very bright and techie inclined (he is also a bloody good guitar player).   I am sure that I should be able to avoid falling into Shit Creek with his help.

You can find out more of my, ‘Up Shit Creek’ disasters at the links below;

amazon.com/author/andywishartpage

Youtube link ;

http://www.andywishartsite.com

Andy Wishart. Made in Scotland.

 

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